Bad Romance

Valentine’s day is coming up and with it comes all kinds of quote/unquote “romantic” propaganda. I can’t turn on the TV without seeing ads for things like flowers, flower shaped fruits, heart shaped chocolates, and Christian shaped soulmates. Call me a pessimist, but I don’t see how any of that stuff equates romance. Maybe it’s because I’m dead inside. Or maybe it’s just that defying expectations brings me joy. It’s right up there with warm blankets from the dryer and watching babies deal with a piece of tape for the first time.

Beaches

I’ve never been a big fan of the beach. It’s smelly, it’s hard to park, the ocean air leaves a film on your skin, and you’ll be haunted by sand granules for days. It’s just a big hassle. Sure you can have a lovely view of the sunset...but so what? It’s not like you can look directly into it.

Actual cheesy picture my boyfriend and I took at the beach. Because we're cool.

Jewelry

I might be in the minority here, but I don’t see the big appeal of jewelry. It’s just so expensive for so little return. When I find out how much jewelry costs, all I can think about is how many cookies I can buy for that much money. The exception, of course, is Swarovski crystals.

Chocolate

Okay, don’t get me wrong - I understand liking chocolate as a concept. I don’t understand how it’s romantic. It’s messy, it has an uncanny resemblance to crap, and it’s likely to fall down your shirt and melt onto your body. (Sounds like it could be kinky, but in reality it’s just uncomfortable.)

Movies

Movies seem to be a typical “date night” trope. But do they still keep that appeal after high school? I get that when you’re young and cheap it’s a good excuse to be alone in the dark with someone, but there are plenty of other ways to do this when you’re older. If the thought is that seeing people make out on screen will inspire you to make out in real life, then by that logic you can get the same result by watching the CW for five minutes.

#normal

Up-do’s with, like, tendrils and braids

Go ahead and Google "romantic updos". This is the kind of stuff that comes up? Why does this hairstyle scream “romantic girl”? Who wants hair dangling in front of their eyes? It’s really annoying in real life. I imagine. I don’t have the patience to arrange my hair this way.

We have jobs!

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That was the brief pause I took just now to do a celebratory dance. It looked a little bit like this:

Joanna and I are the newest staff writers for Sullivan and Son on TBS. We’ve been employed for two whole weeks now and we couldn’t be more excited. I’m sure we’ll have tons of stories to tell, ¼ of which will be okay to share with you.

When we first got the job offer, a litany of thoughts went through my mind:

Thought #1: Sweet! I have a job!

No longer will I have to come up with new and creative ways to say “I’m unemployed.” (Past euphemisms include “We’re doing our own thing”, “We’re freelancing”, and “We’re waiting to hear back from Anthropologie.”) It’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The burden of finding a job is gone...and replaced with the much heavier burden of doing well in said job and bringing honor to my family. Yaaaaay…?

It's a shame. We would have been great at making these intricate window displays
out of the repurposed notebooks we wrote all our bad ideas in.

Thought #2: Crap. I have to wear real pants.

Working from home has spoiled us in the waistband department. You don’t have to care what you look like when the only person you’re seeing all day has an intimate knowledge of what happens to your body when you eat kale. Lots of yoga pants, shorts, and outfits that can only be described as “panhandling chic” were worn over the past six months. So anything that’s not elastic feels like chain metal.

This was basically us... with 98% more style. BTW, this came up when
I Googled "yoga pants casual." It's a thing!

Thought #3: Sweet! I’ll have easy access to pie!

Working in an office means you get all kinds of free food (doubly so when you’re working in TV. Craft services is the devil in the form of a delightful charcuterie plate). Add that to the fact that we’re on the Warner Bros lot, which has a farmers market every other Wednesday where our friends at I Heart Pies sell their stuff. I’m not kidding when I say this is like the third thing that popped into my mind when I got this job. If you haven’t tasted the magic that is a Butterbeer Pie, you haven’t lived.

Thought #4: Crap. I have to filter my thoughts.

We’re so used to just being around each other that I’m pretty sure I’ve forgotten how to be around other people. You know, normal people. When left to our own devices, Joanna and I can get into some super weird tangents. And we delve into those super weird tangents until we’re like: “Is it bad that we’re talking about the decrepit living state of twentysomethings when we should be writing a My Little Pony script?” So now we have to stay focused and give our new co-workers the impression that we’re “normal”. At least in the beginning. We can only hold back for so long.

I couldn't think of an image to go with this so I Googled "weird" and this came up.

Thought #5: Meh. I’ll have money and that’s all that really matters.

I can buy all the experimental chips I want. #AmericanDream