The Man Basket

Are you looking for a present for a man in your life? Do you know little about said man except for the fact that he’s a man and should therefore like manly things? Well, us ladywriters are here to help. In the form of...a MAN BASKET.

We wanted to get gift baskets for some of the lovely people in our life, including our agents and managers. We have an awesome team of people rallying for us, and we wanted to express our gratitude in the form of baked goods and thoughtful presents artfully wrapped in cellophane. But then we got to thinking...our agents are three dudes. And “gift basket” doesn’t exactly scream dude. SO WHY NOT MAKE A MAN BASKET??

We started thinking about all the things that--to us--scream MAN. And that quickly got out of hand (and out of budget because apparently pet wolves are not cheap) so we whittled it down to these manly essentials:

A gut hook and hatchet combo set

We initially started looking for cheap tomahawks but those are surprisingly hard to find. But this combo set was close enough. Plus there are two things in the box so we figured two of our guys could pick a weapon then stab the other guy before he complained.

Hot sauce

Nothing says “manly” like putting yourself through all kinds of hell just to prove you can deal with it. And with names like Devil’s Revenge and Ass Blaster, this hot sauce collection is like a test of manliness contained within a tiny-yet-masculine bottle. Ingesting this without dying is akin to pinning a man badge of honor directly onto your testicles.

Duke Cannon Big Ass Brick of Soap

You’d probably think that something like soap can’t possibly be manly. THINK AGAIN. Duke Cannon soap clearly states that it “smells like victory.” I could try and convince you that contrary to what Bath and Body Works would have you believe, soap can be a very manly thing. I could try...or I could copy/paste from the Duke Cannon website:

THE DUKE CANNON SUPPLY CO. BIG ASS BRICK OF SOAP IS DESIGNED TO MEET THE HIGH STANDARDS OF HARD WORKING MEN WHO WANT TO GET CLEAN AND SMELL GOOD WITHOUT USING FEMININE SHOWER GELS AND ACCESSORIES. TRUE TO ITS NAME, OUR SOAP IS BIG (10 OZ.) AND WILL LAST MUCH LONGER THAN THE CHICK-SIZED BARS IN YOUR LOCAL GROCERY. IT ALSO SMELLS AWESOME (CLEAN, FRESH SCENT) AND CONTAINS STEEL CUT GRAINS FOR MAXIMUM GRIPABILITY. IF YOU ENJOY ACTIVITIES LIKE DRINKING AMERICAN BEER OR USING POWER TOOLS, THEN FRANKLY, THIS IS THE ONLY SOAP MEANT FOR YOU.

Man Candles

The Yankee Candle company apparently makes a line of Man Candles with scents such as Riding Mower, 2x4, Mmm Bacon, and Man Town. And while I wouldn't put myself through the torture of lighting a candle that smells like bacon without actually cooking bacon, we just couldn't say no to a scent called Man Town.

Beef Jerky

Possibly the most “normal” thing we included in our man basket. It is a fact that men like meat. And maybe that’s a stereotype perpetuated by truck drivers and Ron Swanson, but it’s also a stereotype that women like shoes and receiving jewelry in slow motion on the beach. The reason I bring this up is not to say that we should stop stereotyping based on gender, but that we should all agree that it’s ridiculous and keep doing it anyway.

Bag of rocks

HAHAHAHA (with tears in our eyes). That was our reaction to the thought of including a bag of rocks in our man basket. It was $2 so we f**ing did it.

To make this basket as manly as possible, we unceremoniously threw all this stuff into a trash can and wrapped it with a duct tape bow while Mulan's "I'll Make a Man out of You" played softly in the background.

It was glorious. And heavy. And it screamed of man. Or it screamed of ridiculous ladies who get carried away too easily. Probably the latter.