The Man Basket

Are you looking for a present for a man in your life? Do you know little about said man except for the fact that he’s a man and should therefore like manly things? Well, us ladywriters are here to help. In the form of...a MAN BASKET.

We wanted to get gift baskets for some of the lovely people in our life, including our agents and managers. We have an awesome team of people rallying for us, and we wanted to express our gratitude in the form of baked goods and thoughtful presents artfully wrapped in cellophane. But then we got to thinking...our agents are three dudes. And “gift basket” doesn’t exactly scream dude. SO WHY NOT MAKE A MAN BASKET??

We started thinking about all the things that--to us--scream MAN. And that quickly got out of hand (and out of budget because apparently pet wolves are not cheap) so we whittled it down to these manly essentials:

A gut hook and hatchet combo set

We initially started looking for cheap tomahawks but those are surprisingly hard to find. But this combo set was close enough. Plus there are two things in the box so we figured two of our guys could pick a weapon then stab the other guy before he complained.

Hot sauce

Nothing says “manly” like putting yourself through all kinds of hell just to prove you can deal with it. And with names like Devil’s Revenge and Ass Blaster, this hot sauce collection is like a test of manliness contained within a tiny-yet-masculine bottle. Ingesting this without dying is akin to pinning a man badge of honor directly onto your testicles.

Duke Cannon Big Ass Brick of Soap

You’d probably think that something like soap can’t possibly be manly. THINK AGAIN. Duke Cannon soap clearly states that it “smells like victory.” I could try and convince you that contrary to what Bath and Body Works would have you believe, soap can be a very manly thing. I could try...or I could copy/paste from the Duke Cannon website:

THE DUKE CANNON SUPPLY CO. BIG ASS BRICK OF SOAP IS DESIGNED TO MEET THE HIGH STANDARDS OF HARD WORKING MEN WHO WANT TO GET CLEAN AND SMELL GOOD WITHOUT USING FEMININE SHOWER GELS AND ACCESSORIES. TRUE TO ITS NAME, OUR SOAP IS BIG (10 OZ.) AND WILL LAST MUCH LONGER THAN THE CHICK-SIZED BARS IN YOUR LOCAL GROCERY. IT ALSO SMELLS AWESOME (CLEAN, FRESH SCENT) AND CONTAINS STEEL CUT GRAINS FOR MAXIMUM GRIPABILITY. IF YOU ENJOY ACTIVITIES LIKE DRINKING AMERICAN BEER OR USING POWER TOOLS, THEN FRANKLY, THIS IS THE ONLY SOAP MEANT FOR YOU.

Man Candles

The Yankee Candle company apparently makes a line of Man Candles with scents such as Riding Mower, 2x4, Mmm Bacon, and Man Town. And while I wouldn't put myself through the torture of lighting a candle that smells like bacon without actually cooking bacon, we just couldn't say no to a scent called Man Town.

Beef Jerky

Possibly the most “normal” thing we included in our man basket. It is a fact that men like meat. And maybe that’s a stereotype perpetuated by truck drivers and Ron Swanson, but it’s also a stereotype that women like shoes and receiving jewelry in slow motion on the beach. The reason I bring this up is not to say that we should stop stereotyping based on gender, but that we should all agree that it’s ridiculous and keep doing it anyway.

Bag of rocks

HAHAHAHA (with tears in our eyes). That was our reaction to the thought of including a bag of rocks in our man basket. It was $2 so we f**ing did it.

To make this basket as manly as possible, we unceremoniously threw all this stuff into a trash can and wrapped it with a duct tape bow while Mulan's "I'll Make a Man out of You" played softly in the background.

It was glorious. And heavy. And it screamed of man. Or it screamed of ridiculous ladies who get carried away too easily. Probably the latter.

The person I want to be

There are days when I think I’m a pretty awesome person. I mean, I smell good, my slipper tan is fading, I can flip an over easy egg - I got a lot of good things going for me. But as my Asian parents told me whenever I came home with an A, there’s always room for improvement. An A is just an A+ that didn’t push itself hard enough. So I’ve been thinking about how I can push myself to be a better person and I came up with a list. And that list was super long so I distilled it to the things I’m comfortable sharing with strangers.

someone who goes for a morning jog

Nothing says “I’m a determined, disciplined person” like someone who goes for a morning jog. It’s the crack of dawn and you’re doing something that requires physical effort so you’re doing two things that defy the laws of fun. I like running and all, but I can count the number of times I’ve gone on a morning run on one hand. It’s just so early and you haven’t had a chance to eat anything so you don’t feel like you have to justify running yet. The only thing fueling you is sheer willpower and the anticipatory satisfaction of telling your barista you did something before even getting your coffee. That’s dedication. Or masochistic. It’s a close call.

someone who grows their own tomatoes

I’m always impressed when people grow their own tomatoes. I don’t know why. We have an herb garden but for some reason it’s not as impressive as tomatoes. The words “You taste that hint of basil? Thanks. I grew that basil” don’t have the same weight as “You like that caprese salad? Thanks. The tomatoes were from my garden. You’re eating the vegetable-fruits of my labor.” Maybe it’s because there’s a little more work that goes into tomato growing. You have to look out for bugs and fend off woodland creatures and put all these things into the soil for optimal tomato plumpness. For whatever reason, growing your own tomatoes seems like an impressive feat to me and I’m super short so I have to find these roundabout ways to be impressive.

someone who’s familiar with classic movies

I’m not good about watching movies but I wish I was because movie references are a semi-universal language of cool. You can bond with a complete stranger over your love of a certain movie and you’d understand 15% more 30 Rock and Community jokes. And it’s even better when you reference classic movies because classic movies have more clout.  You wouldn’t judge someone for not seeing X Men: First Class but you will judge them if they haven’t seen The Godfather. It’s probably because classic movies have stood the test of time...or because it’s harder to watch newer movies for free.

someone who has an abundance of musically talented friends

I have some musically talented friends but I feel like if I had a TON of them life would be a super entertaining non-stop jam session. Like I wouldn’t be able to go a week without producing an acoustic cover of a rap song or a short but hilarious jingle about the food we’re eating. Sure it might be annoying after awhile, but the important thing is that it seems like a good time to an outside observer.

someone who reserves money for bums in a separate pocket in my purse

Fun fact: someone actually does do this and that person is Joanna Lewis. She keeps a stash of cash in an easy-to-access outside pocket of her purse so she doesn’t have to root around for it. BECAUSE SHE DOES IT SO FREQUENTLY THAT IT’S A PROBLEM. It takes a really, truly good person to do or even need something like this. And for the record, Joanna does all kinds of crazy nice things like talking to the survey takers at the mall, praying for people when they ask for it on Facebook, and braking for slow-moving pedestrians - even in super busy West Hollywood type areas. So yeah, one of my goals is to be half as nice as she is. But I won’t stop for survey takers. I have my limits.