Things that never happened: Pretty Little Liars edition

One of the things we do a lot is imagine elaborate backstories for things that never happened. For example, one day Joanna and Whitney almost got run over by two teenage girls in a Burbank parking lot and proceeded to imagine a hilarious 20 minute conversation between those girls whom they hypothetically (and appropriately) named Jenna and Brie. “Ohmigod, Jenna, you totally almost ran over those girls in your mom’s Yukon.” “Shut up, Brie! It didn’t happen, did it?” “No wonder you mom doesn’t let you borrow the Yukon often.” “Whatever, Brie. Shut your mouth hole.”So a couple of days ago I was using the Netflix account on my AppleTV to watch “Pretty Little Liars.” I was a couple of episodes in when I realized I wasn’t signed into our Netflix account - it was some random person’s. I asked Chris if he knew who it was but he was just as confused as I was so I assume it was some weird glitch in the AppleTV system? I switched the account back to mine but the person who was accidentally signed in will still have “Pretty Little Liars” pop up under their “Recently Watched” stuff. I won’t post the email address, but let’s just say this person was definitely a guy and he mostly had dramas and guy shows in his queue, so “Pretty Little Liars” would stick out like a sore thumb. 

These girls are so good at walk/posing!

I started to imagine how this person would react upon finding “Pretty Little Liars” in their history, and this is what I came up with:

A guy (let’s call him Tad) is about to watch Sons of Anarchy or something with his girlfriend (let’s call her Rhonda) on Netflix when PLL shows up.

Rhonda: Tad, did you watch Pretty Little Liars?

Tad: No. Did you?

Rhonda: No. You know I can’t stand that teenybopper stuff. It’s like, how old are we? 23? No. We’re 31 and 32.

Tad: I know how old we are. You don’t have to state the obvious.

Rhonda: Apparently I do because Pretty Little Liars is right there under “Recently Watched”. So either you watched it recently or... <GASP> Are you cheating on me?

Tad: No!

Rhonda: You are! You’re cheating on me with someone who watches Pretty Little Liars! Who is it? Is it Camille? She’s all into that Disney shit. Ugh, I can’t stand that girl. She thinks she’s so cool because she can talk to 8 year olds without talking down to them. Who lists that as a skill?

Tad: Babe, I swear, there’s nothing going on with me and Camille. I took her out for coffee once, but that was because I almost ran over her foot with my car. Thank goodness she wears shoes that are 2 sizes too big.

Rhonda: Is it Anita? She loves all that CW stuff. She’s been telling me to watch Vampire Diaries for years - she’s totally the type to watch Pretty Little Liars.

Tad: I’m telling you, I’m not cheating on you! Besides, Pretty Little Liars is on ABC Family.

Rhonda: So you DO watch it!

Tad: No! I can’t even stand Lucy Hale. She reminds me too much of Katie Holmes but younger and less robot-like.

Rhonda: Ohmigod, you totally watch it. You know who Lucy Hale is.

Tad: What? She’s a celebrity. Doesn’t everyone knows who she is?

Rhonda: NO ONE KNOWS WHO SHE IS. SHE’S ONLY BEEN IN, LIKE, SCREAM 4 AND TINKERBELL: SECRET OF THE WINGS.

Tad: ...Wait. How did you know all that?

(awkward silence)

Rhonda: Okay, fine. I’ve seen an episode or six of Pretty Little Liars.

Tad: Ha!

Rhonda: But I didn’t watch them on your Netflix account!

Tad: Neither did I! Look, can we just forget about this? Please? You owe me. There was that one time you didn’t put in for tip at that big group dinner and I didn’t say anything.

Rhonda: It was either that or hold everyone up with my credit card bill! How was I supposed to know everyone else had cash on them? Seriously - fifteen people and everyone had cash. When has that ever happened?

Tad: Babe, just let it go. I really want to get past this, open a fresh bag of Pirate Booty, and watch Sons of Anarchy with you.

Rhonda: Fine.

(They settle in and start watching Sons of Anarchy whilst munching on Pirate Booty.)

Tad: So who do you think A is? I think--

Rhonda: DON’T SPOIL IT FOR ME! I’M ONLY ON SEASON 2!

PONDERINGS: ANIMAL ASSOCIATIONS I DON'T UNDERSTAND

So like I do, I think odd thoughts in the car. Oh, who am I kidding? I think odd thoughts everywhere. But this particular stream of thought happened in the car.  So here goes: Why do certain animals get associated with certain attributes? It seems rather arbitrary.  Allow me to elaborate: 

A Lucky Duck- What on earth makes a duck lucky? I personally have never met a duck that inspired me to think: “man I wish I could switch places with that duck.” Nor have I ever - in a time of extreme bad fortune - thought: “If only I was a duck! That’d get me out of this jam!”  or even “I could some duck luck right about now.”   So why?

A Silly Goose -  Now I have had thoughts about geese.  Mostly that they’re kinda A-holes. They honk horribly- they poop everywhere - you can’t get near a pond if geese live there with out stepping in goose scat. And they chase and bite you if you get too close to the pond. Honestly, they’re borderline socio-paths. But silly? No.

A Dumb Dog - Now I know - dogs aren’t solving world hunger - but dumb compared to what?  Other animals? People?  All I'm saying is they’re not  following us around with little baggies and picking up our poop. So who’s dumber than who? Really? 

A Clever Cat- well this is derivative of my last argument but ya know, me and 90% of the internet savvy population have seen cats get stuck in boxes on purpose.  Not super clever.

A Dirty Bird - are birds particularly dirty among their animal compatriots? I mean to me animals in general seem pretty gross-lots of butt licking, peeing on stuff and pooping wherever they damn well feel like it.  But in fairness,  upon close inspection- so do most humans -especially the little ones - they are cesspools of dirt, germs and boogers. 

 
A  chicken- a chicken is literally  a euphemism for being scared! Why?  Are they notoriously afraid of everything?  I can admit I don’t spend nearly enough slash hardly any time around chickens. Maybe they are giant wussies, but the ones in the petting zoo my daughter attends on Saturdays don’t seem to be scared of anything!  And I mean, that guy looks like he's literally giving the camera the Bobby DiNero "You lookin at me?!"

My personal favorite and the reason these thoughts popped into my head in the first place:  Why oh why  is a tiger associated with Karate? Is there a Tiger Sensei that I am unaware of that has been wow-ing students and karate enthusiasts for years with his kick -ass karate moves? Was the first use of karate a man vs. tiger fight?

I don’t know. But this is my thought of the day. And now it’s here for you to enjoy and perhaps ponder weird animal associations of your own. I am sure there are thousands! 

This = Good

Here’s the first entry an ongoing segment I’m calling “This = Good”. It’s basically a list of stuff I like. I admit it’s not a very creative title but if I called it “Good Things” Martha Stewart would come at me with a hand-crocheted subpoena. And if I called it “Aerial Dragon Sex” it’d be very misleading.

White Girl Problems by Babe Walker

Have you ever wanted insight into the mind of a narcissistic asshole? I have! (I say, indicating that I’m not a narcissistic asshole myself.) This hilarious faux bio is told from the POV of a fictional character named Babe Walker, a rich entitled twentysomething who bitches over the kale-to-agave-ratio in her 100 calorie breakfast smoothie. Word on the street is that Elizabeth Banks’ production company bought the rights to possibly turn it into a movie, which would be amazing if the right bitch was cast. Some of my favorite quotes include:

“Honestly, Genevieve, I can’t go in any vintage stores, because I just had a facial yesterday, and the floating particles of cocaine residue will tarnish my shine.” - Babe’s excuse to not go shopping with her BFF

“How the F am I going to be an actress if you and Dad force me to go to college? The best actresses are rebels who didn’t go to school and were too poor to eat.”

“You’d have to be a real dick to blow off an invite to an intervention, but I won’t say I’ve never done it. I mean, my cousin was addicted to gum. Not my issue.”

Upon finding a new friend at art school: “I knew from the second I saw her that she would be the perfect weird art friend, and she’d make me look super tall and thin in pictures, so a strong bond was born.”

“My eyebrows tell you that I’m listening to you, but I’m not like, crazy into what you’re saying. Or, wait. Maybe they say that I’m not listening to you, but I’m thinking about something important that you should probably want to know. I can’t remember, but it’s one of those.”

An end-of-date convo: “I had a lot of fun, Babe. I feel like we were, like, connecting and shit.” Babe: “Totally connecting. It was amazing, and our hair looked so good. Your car is the perfect height off the ground for the wind’s trajectory to create a healthy and natural blowout. I feel so lucky to have you in my life. Is that psycho?”

Nutella stuffed cookies

Guys, there are so many wonderful things being done with cookies these days. I feel like we’ve made so many advancements in cookieology - brown butter cookies, cookies stuffed with other cookies, unicorn poop cookies... I’m like, really proud of society on the cookie front. And when I saw this recipe for Nutella stuffed cookies via Cooking Classy, my stomach squealed in excitement.

The genius thing about this recipe is the technique you use to get the Nutella inside the cookie. Nutella is too soft to put inside a cookie without too much hassle but some genius figured out you can freeze dollops of Nutella, then wrap the cookie dough around it before baking. AMAZING! The result is a delicious chocolate cookie with a burst of nutty goo in every bite. You’re welcome.

Backseat Lover by Mayer Hawthorne

This is just a fun summer song to have in your arsenal. I can’t listen to this song without doing some hip thrusts, which is awkward when it pops up during my neighborhood jog. And it’s about secret affairs! Who doesn’t want to jam out to that? Priests, probably. What?

The Seven Stages of Unemployment

Last Friday was our last day at Nickelodeon :( We’re bummed to have to leave so many wonderful and talented people behind, yet optimistic because the future is just a huge question mark right now and that can mean anything from crappy to great! At least that’s what I tell myself and others when they ask “Now what?”

Leading up to our joblessness I found myself going through a myriad of emotions ranging from “eh” to “UGH.” And in an emo turn of events, I felt the need to draw parallels between my inconsequential feelings and death. Which brings me to the point of this entry: the Seven Stages of Unemployment.

Stage 1: Indifference

We had the advantage of knowing when our time was coming to an end two months ahead of time. So when we first found out about our end date, we were like “Shrug. We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.” We then proceeded to think little of our future and instead spent money on stupid things, like expensive juices, super specialized kitchen utensils, and patterned cupcake liners.

Because who knows when you'll need a stainless steel fork designed especially for olives?

Stage 2: Resentment

Before long it sinks in that you’re not going to have a job. And like most people (well, Americans at least) your first instinct is to blame everyone but yourself. You become bitter as you start to think about all the idiots/jerks/former pedophiles who are out there making money instead of you, a perfectly normal person of average intelligence who recycles. Everything’s wrong - the company’s wrong, the government is wrong, Alex Trebek is wrong (that’s how far you’re willing to go into self-righteous delusion).

Step 3: Irrational Optimism

Once the bitterness wears off, you think of all the things you can now do with your free time. These things aren’t necessarily work-related - some of them are goals that will just make you a better person. Some of these things will be perfectly achievable goals: doing some freelance, eating more fruit, finding out what a Roth IRA is. Other things will be downright impossible: painting the house, becoming a landscape designer, reaching enlightenment. Actual things that have crossed my mind: learning krav maga, learning Tagalog, doing the Special K challenge, developing triceps of steel, design and manufacture a line of makeup bags which I will give away to needy high schoolers in exchange for market research, and getting over my hangup of opening my eyes underwater.

I'll never be her if I can't open my eyes underwater.

Step 4: Passive-Aggressive Panic

You start to panic but you don’t show it, because who does that? Instead you do things like get on your significant other’s case for buying name brand products instead of Target brand products and making jokes about being poor. (Not a good idea - it makes you feel better but it makes everyone else feel like they have to buy you something. Scratch that. Great idea!)

"Don't buy Tupperware, buy containers with lids. We're people, not kings."

Step 5: Restlessness

You’ve been thinking about unemployment so much that you just want it to happen already. You’ve been talking about it so much that you don’t sound fake-excited anymore and you just want the headspace to think about something else. Also you just had an awesome weekend where you sat around in sweats all day and you’re looking forward to doing that 24/7.

This guy knows how to rock sweats and watch you while you sleep.

Step 6: Ineffective Preparedness

You feel like you should be doing something to help out the bleak state of your future, but you can’t so you do little things that make you feel like you’re doing something. These actions can range from starting a blog to buying your unemployment wardrobe. What constitutes an unemployment wardrobe, you ask? Stylish basics. When you’re unemployed it’s important to be comfortable but not look like you’ve completely given up on life. These things won’t get you a job, but they’ll make you feel like you’re taking steps towards getting a job. And if the US government has taught us anything, it’s that what it feels like you’re doing is way more important than what you’re actually doing.

These guys are all rocking stylish basics. Normal people results may vary.

Step 7: Forced Acceptance

It’s happened. You’re unemployed. And like morning breath, the inevitability of the sun exploding, and the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, you have no choice but to accept it. But hey, you could have worse things forced upon you. Skunks, for example. A labyrinth riddled with spiderwebs. There’s another one. You could go on. Really. You have all the time in the world.

Are you being inappropriate?

Sometimes I forget that our job isn't normal. We get paid to tell jokes all day, which is awesome, but we also have entire conversations in our heads, talk in weird voices, and have lighthearted discussions about crime and death. And when you're stuck in a writers room for hours at a time with someone, the already-fuzzy lines of normality become even fuzzier as you get very comfortable with each other. The phrases "overshare," "too far," and "TMI" hold no weight. Sometimes when I'm amongst non-writers (I'll call them "normal people" for now) and I find myself wondering whether or not what I'm about to say is suitable for normal people ears. So I've come up with a chart that will tell me if I'm being inappropriate: